Recently, young women have approached me after performances to say how much they admire an older woman like myself really putting it all out there. I doubt that my daughters would share that admiration; I think they'd be happier if I had been more of a quiet homemaking mom, a little less like a flamboyant character out of a de Maupassant short story. The grass is always greener, right? I'm glad to act as some kind of signifier in these young women's world view, the strong, confident, older woman, but that's not how I think of myself. There's no-one who second guesses herself more than I do, no-one who tears herself down or beats herself up more. I think these young women are mistaking clarity for confidence. I'm finally, finally at an age where I know who I am and what I want. I know, that I have absolutely no time to waste playing coy. If I want to make music, I can't wait to be invited. I have to put myself out there and risk making a fool of myself because my risk taking, fool-making opportunities are rapidly dwindling and I'll miss them when their gone.
Maybe clarity projects as confidence, I don't know. I just know that this is what I need to be doing. It is fascinating to find myself adopted as a role model at this stage of the game. Not widely mind you, but still. Being admired is a new experience for me. Live long enough and people will admire you for surviving, if for nothing else.
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