Open Tuning

The last two days were out of tune, vibrating at a dissonant frequency. My usual facile command of multi-layered, multifarious detail is failing me. I'm not as organized or capable as I represent to the outside world, relying instead on a better than average memory. That crutch is crumbling.  I can no longer fake my way past my lack of discipline. I've fucked up a couple of things and it reminds me that I have to do the work: create the calendar reminders, keep meticulous, dated  notes, make my lists and check them twice.

I was scratchy with irritation all last night, struggling to fall asleep, awaking at 3:00 and tossing till dawn. I laid in bed ruminating about the actions of others, regretting my own. Regrets; I have a few, and they keep piling up. What the fuck is that about? I pile obligation on obligation, assume responsibility for things I can't control and, when my best laid plans invariably go awry, flog myself like a rented mule. Yup, there's some dysfunction there, some masochism.

Does the control junkie subconsciously set herself up to fail? "The best laid plans of mice and men oft go awry, and leave us naught but grief and pain for promised joy," said Robbie Burns.  

If the control junkie were to lose control, what then?  A dotty old woman wandering down a descending spiral, lost in perpetual present.That sounds about right. Perpetual present; huh. Be here now, sister. 

Last week, I said performing is still worth the work, but this week, I'm questioning whether it's worth the mental wear and tear. Not in Hamfist; those boys are family. Other projects and other collaborators are wearing me out. I'm not quick-witted enough any more to keep up with all the details and I can't manage the personalities like I used to.  That, plus the wedding, plus extra responsibilities at work, all piled onto my chronic, low-grade anxiety takes a toll. Some days I feel like I'm about to shatter into a million tiny pieces.

Who needs that? Not me. I'm not strong enough for the drama.  Maybe I just to want sit alone at the piano and play some songs.  Lost in thought, lost in memory, just sit at the piano and sing.

Enough. I banish misfortune, evil, strife. I invoke an open chord, roundness, levity, air. Time to learn another song, they're the only things that still stick.