A couple of people whom I consider to be friends, good friends, appear to go out of their way to make me feel small. They shut me out, reject my attempts to communicate, refuse to engage even on a superficial level. They are cold, withholding and openly contemptuous. They do not value me; hell, they do not like me, obviously. I'm an annoyance they acquired and can't figure out how to discard.
I'm slow I know, but it finally dawned on me: These friends are not my friends.
A friend would never intentionally make me feel small; that's not what friends do. A friend takes my call, seeks me out, enjoys my company. A friend trusts me with the truth, even when it is unpleasant, even when the answer is no. A friend always replies, even if the reply is "I'm too busy to talk but will be in touch soon."
When I make friends, I commit fully. I offer my whole heart. Over the years, a couple of people have accepted my offered heart, waited until I was completely open and vulnerable, then stomped all over it. I don't know why. Are they psychopaths? Do I bring out the worst in some people? How do I contribute to this dynamic?
Rejection hurts, but I'm a big girl, I'll get over it. Not everyone has to like me.
The lesson here is that I must quit seeking approval from exterior sources. If I truly aspire to Jimmy Giancarlo's "quiet the mind, open the heart, allow the soul," I must fully accept that the only approval that matters is my own. I can and should emulate those I admire and measure myself against their example, but the only judgement that matters is mine.
Plus there's this: Fuck 'em. Enough is enough. I'm done trying to raise adults to be adults. It's not my job to teach them manners. In the words of that great sage Popeye the Sailor Man (whom I have quoted in these pages before), "I've stood alls I can stand and I can't stands no more." Or, as Mark Eitzel put it, "If I have to be this lonely, I may as well be alone."
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