It's ironic that our "lead singer" Ila quit the band less than two months before we finally made it back into the studio. I put "lead singer" in quotes because Eric and I sing lead on several songs and on others, Ila, Melissa and I sang 3-part harmony. However, Ila was the big personality with the big voice who stood out front, and she bailed out with very little warning. All credit to my collaborators, they refused to let her departure stand in the way of our project. We rearranged the 3-part harmonies for Eric, Melissa and me and I stepped up to the mic and took the lead.
Let me repeat that: I stepped up to the mic and took the lead. Holy shit.
We recorded some standards by Gershwin, Irving Berlin, Louis Armstrong, and added some originals: Eric wrote two songs, I wrote two songs and Melissa wrote one. What right do I have to record Gerswhin and Berlin? What right do I have to include my measly original tunes on the same record with those giants? Who the hell do I think I am?
It's too late for take backs now.
I'm singing songs that were sung by Ella Fitzgerald, Sarah Vaughn, Anita O'Day. I'm no Ella Fitzgerald; hell, I'm no Ila, but I have a voice. I'm sure as hell not a composer but, I wrote two songs and we recorded them. Scary.
My collaborators are so kind, so supportive. They seem to genuinely value my contributions. I can't quite wrap my head around that. I'm used to being devalued and disrespected in the musical community because, and this is the truth, I'm not a very good musician. I have a great ear, a great feel for time and tempo, but not much musicianship or technical skill. But, here's the weird thing: a lot of people now think of me as a good musician. Some of them are even other musicians.
My skeptical mind keeps looking for the catch, sure that the world is setting me up for a fall. What if I'm really terrible but no-one will tell me to my face? My fearful mind imagines the world laughing behind my back. The band is just starting to gig without Ila and I fret about perpetrating a bait and switch. I feel like apologizing before I begin to play, sure that I'll chase the audience away.
What if I suck?
So, what if I do? If that's the worst that happens, it's not so bad. I've survived worse.
I wish my mama was here tonight. She would set me straight. She never let me tear myself down or beat myself up. She believed I could do anything.
OK then mama, this is for you. What talent I have, what courage, what grace, it comes from you. When I sing, I sing in your voice.
I sing in her voice. How can I keep from singing?
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