Tuesday, June 17, 2008

She Walked


She walked, I cried; seems like we have played this game before. She’s been moving me to tears since the day she was born, coming into the world in such a dramatic fashion but bringing no drama with her (and a good thing, too; there was plenty here already.) A placid, happy little creature, a “good” baby as the old women used to say (are there bad babies?), happy to eat, quick to sleep, content to be held in a willing pair of arms. She would wake before us in the morning and lay quietly in her crib, observing the world; I would wake beside her to find her bright eyes seeking mine. She was the balm that healed us, the glue that bound us together.

And yes, she’s frighteningly smart, unerringly ethical; she works harder than anyone I’ve ever known. She has spent her life fulfilling the expectations we heap on “good girls.” And yes, Christ yes, I’m grateful for that. But I’m also deeply grateful that she’s a wickedly funny, gloriously flawed, ever-so-slightly twisted adult with her own set fears and neuroses, just like the rest of us. I was so young when my daughters were born, so naïve and self-absorbed. I hadn’t begun the great work of facing my demons and learning to love them. My kids grew up alongside those demons; they came on the journey with me, and at times it was a wild ride. She learned quickly that the demons paid little attention to good girls. And, when they did, she learned how to care of herself. She was capable at a very early age, and she taught me how to be capable too.

What am I to make of these smart, tough, funny, powerful women who are my daughters? How did they survive their absurdly improvisational upbringing to become these remarkably effective adults? What am I to make of their tempers and their appetites, their blind spots and their needs? Just this: that they are the children of my heart, my body and my soul. I love everything about them, including their flaws, without reservation. I am only capable of that kind of love because of them. The question is, can I learn to love myself in the same way?

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