Wednesday, October 23, 2013

What Do You Allow?

There's a new meme floating around the ol' interweb today:

"What you allow is what will continue."

That one hit me right in the gut. Every once in awhile, a single sentence sums it all up.

I've been struggling with a sad fact: there are people whom I value and cherish but who do not value or cherish me in return. As much as I want to be loved by everyone, I'm not; shocking I know.

There's no shame and no blame here. They are entitled to their opinion. They have a right to feel their own feelings. The problem is, I keep hanging around, hoping to somehow change their minds and hearts. I allow them to treat me with indifference, avoidance, coldness, disrespect and keep coming back for more. In my sick, twisted head, I refuse to acknowledge the plain truth: the friendship is over.

And then I wonder why I walk away from every interaction feeling like shit. 

Oh my god,  I just realized that I'm acting like Helena in Midsummer:

"I am your spaniel; and, Demetrius, the more you beat me, I will fawn on you. Use me but as your spaniel, spurn me, strike me, neglect me, lose me; only give me leave, unworthy as I am, to follow you. What worser place can I beg in your love,— and yet a place of high respect with me,— than to be used as you use your dog?"

I've always despised Helena.

This one is one me, kids. It's pathetic. I'm pathetic. Am I that desperate for approval? For affection? Why can't I just walk away let these relationships die a natural death?

Time to let it go. As George Harrison said, all things must pass.

All things must pass.  It's past time for me to put my energy into the people who last. I'm lucky to have them and I take them for granted.

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Brer Rabbit

Words of wisdom from Laney today:  How long can the machine run on an idea that isn't true?

Good question, which led me to another good question: How long do I cling to that idea when all of the evidence clearly indicates that it's not true?

I'm like Brer Rabbit and the Tar Baby; the harder I fight, the more attached I become.

I had forgotten how that story ends.  Brer Fox set up the Tar Baby as a trap for Brer Rabbit. True to form, Brer Rabbit swung on the Tar Baby and got stuck.  The more he swung, the deeper he went. But, Brer Rabbit had the last laugh; he begged Brer Fox to do anything, anything at all, except throw him in the briar patch.  So, of course Brer Fox threw him in the briar patch and Brer Rabbit was free. "Born and bred in the briar patch, Brer Fox. Born and bred in the briar patch."

If I beg the machine to throw me in the briar patch, do you think they will do it?

Thursday, October 10, 2013

Keep Your Powder Dry for the Battles Ahead

The atmosphere: The Empress, reversed. Stifling matriarchal influence. Unhappiness, selfishness, poverty and disruption of the home or family. Indecision, paranoia, and jealous rage. Sterility

The obstacle: Temperance, reversed. Lack of restraint and self-control. Losing one's cool. Energies dispersed through conflicts in personal, business, and spiritual matters.

The goal: The Queen of Cups. The essence of water, such as a deep and placid lake: Spirituality, maturity, and grace. A natural counselor and healer, One whose relaxed presence seems to embody deep love and spirituality. A tranquil poet who reflects the nature of the observer. The embrace of all things dreamlike and receptive, such as perfect and unconditional love.

Approaching influence: The Hanged Man. Pausing to reflect. Surrendering to an experience. Adjusting to new ideas through sacrifice. Opening oneself to intuition and enhanced awareness. Letting go of past patterns and growing beyond them. Inner peace, faith, and serenity.

The ultimate outcome: Ace of Swords. The seed of victory - perhaps as yet unseen. A challenge to be met and solved through the invocation of force. An opportunity to bring reason and intelligence to bear in the pursuit of justice and truth. An excessive power that must not be abused.

There was more of course, but not a single wand in the spread. Some major arcana and my old friend the Queen of Cups, but no fire, no light.

Time to cool my jets and gird my loin. The fight is coming.