Pain

I've been thinking about pain as a lifestyle while I try to navigate the murky waters of the industrial-medical complex. When I try to talk to an M.D. about my chronic pain, the doc assumes that I'm seeking prescription painkillers. Mind you I don't ASK for drugs; I don't WANT their freaking drugs, I want to find out WHY I'm in pain. But, the minute I bring it up, docs tend to jump to the conclusion that I'm a drug-seeking junkie. It's great for the self-esteem.

The other thing they assume is that, since I have pain, fatigue, chills, insomnia, I must be depressed. This latest bitch - uh, I mean doctor - offered me a 'script for trazadone 10 minutes into my very first visit. I know what depression is, I know what insomnia is and, whatever this is, it is not depression or insomnia. There is some kind of physical disease process taking place in my body, but when I consult a medical doctor to find out what it is, she offers me happy pills. I took offense at her condescensing attitude, she got huffy, and right about then I realized(in the immortal words of Strother Martin) that what we have here is a failure to communicate. I've decided to cancel my follow up visit with this particular doctor; I have enough pain in my life, I don't need the added burden of feeling frustrated and marginalized by the medical establishment.

Obama is staking his presidency on expanding access to this circus. Be careful what you wish for, Barry.

Here's what I have learned: there's no help for me from traditional medicine; all it offers are toxic chemicals, placebos and empty assurances. I have to learn how to accept my disease, whatever the hell it is, how to live with these symptoms day to day. I've got to stop thinking that I can be "cured." I have accept the fact that this is who I am now, a person who feels like crap. Best if I don't think about it or talk about it, better to grit my teeth and learn to bear it. I'll keep taking my vitamins, I'll keep working on my nutrition and exercise, I'll go to the hot springs and soak my bones more often, but I'm not going to find a "cure" for whatever the fuck is ailing me. Pain is my shadow now, my double, my homonuculus. I have to learn to live with it as gracefully as possible.

I may be stating the obvious here, but grace is not my strong suit.