Visceral

I'm listening to this amazing Elton John CD that Lowell turned me on to, Elton and his band playing for about 100 people in an NYC radio studio, circa 1970. Hotter than the hinges of hell. Wish I had a tiny percentage of his skill.

I played a little dinner music for a national convention of wildlife forensic scientists tonight, sort of the C.S.I. for the B.L.M. The drummer in Bathtub Gin Serenaders works at a wildlife forensic lab here in Ashland. He's an ivory specialist. Much like "blood diamonds," ivory funds conflict in Africa. Gangsters and so called militias poach elephants, sell the ivory and buy guns. What a world.

I was playing with the Bathtub Gin Serenaders and it was - interesting. Seriously ragged around some of the edges, but some nice moments. I just don't know about this band. I like the people, I like the material, but it's challenging. A couple of the people are much better than me, a couple are at my skill level and a couple are - well, I don't enjoy playing with them as much as the others, let's put it that way. It's tricky; it's not really "my" band, so I'm not comfortable criticizing. I know that my standards are not always realistic. I'm extremely critical of my performances, always finding fault. It would be easy to be paralyzed by all that second guessing, to give it up, but I keep plugging.

I will say this: playing music in public is much more fun when the performance is good, or at least acceptable. When the performance is bad, it physically hurts. I can feel every mistake and missed note in my body. It's visceral.

Speaking of visceral, Hamfist is going to play the Britt Festival in Jacksonville Oregon on June 13. This is a huge step up for us, a big deal. I've seen some amazing musicians at Britt The thought of standing on that side of the stage, looking up the hill at an audience - well, it takes my breath away.

Isn't it funny that all of this is happening now, at this stage of my life? I have to stand on that stage with all my flaws and imperfections, looking every single day of my 51 years and then some. My voice is a shadow of what it once was and NOW I get to play the Britt Stage?

Better late than never. It's never too late.