Chocolate

I promised not write another boring post about food. I lied.

It has been a bad couple of days for the diet.  First there was Thanksgiving. Kiva cooked and every single dish was so remarkably good, I ate too much.  Turkey, roasted yams, roasted brussel sprouts with garlic, blanched asparagus, my mom's dressing recipe with the cornbread and the biscuits, nut loaf for Sequoia, fresh cooked cranberries, pie, all of it amazing. Then today, the sweet folks of the Tudor Guild, the volunteer organization that supports my employer, put on their annual Christmas tea for the employees. Picture long tables filled with savory little appetizers,  tiny meat tarts, beautiful finger sandwiches, plates and plates of decorated cookies, brownies, chocolates; you get the picture. The lovely little old ladies with their silver hair and trays of cookies reminded me of mother.

Earlier in the day, I went to the salon to get my hair "washed and ironed" as mama used to say.  Actually it was a cut and color, but I always loved that expression. I forgot to make an appointment so the stylist squeezed me in on short notice. She only had a morning appointment available and I had never been there that early. It was amazing to see the procession of little old ladies being dropped off, one by the Dial A Ride van, another by a dutiful son. They all got a wash and set, their silver heads done up up in curlers, sitting under the missile-cone hair dryers with a People Magazine, finally to be teased out into a fluffy corona of silver. That made me think of my mother too.

It being the holidays, the hair stylist gave me a bag nice chocolates as a gift. What was I going to do, say no?  I put them aside for later but, after the array of sins I committed at the Tudor Guild tea, I was feeling the need to atone.  I took them with me on my run tonight, detoured through downtown and predictably found a knot of hippies on a corner, sitting on a concrete ledge. As I walked by I turned to one, said "Would you like some chocolate?" and dropped the bag at his feet. Then I made eye contract. He was much older than the kids around him, at least my age. He was wearing the high hippie gear of an old school rainbow road warrior. It's a different look than run-of-the-mill homeless. He was highly colored in leather, feathers and beads, his hooded cape and long staff bringing to mind a psychedelic Gandalf. The others around him were typical street kids, shapeless and dirty, but he had a presence. For a moment I feared that I had done something disrespectful. "Give alms to those who ask" said Whitman. The rainbow warrior had not asked, but he smiled and said "Thank you young lady" as I retreated down the street.

I like to think that he shared with the street kids, but that's out of my control. The lesson is release. Let it go.

Does that mean I'm back on the diet? Probably not.  Another day, another struggle.  I do what I can and that has to be enough. I can't waste so much energy worrying about it.

In the last few years of her life my mom lost quite a bit of weight, got down to her "skinny pants" size.   I thought she had dieted and looked great. After she died, my cousin remarked that she looked frail and ill to him. Of course he was right. A few years before she died, she had a C-Diff infection after dental surgery and it took months for her to recover. I don't think her digestion was ever completely right after that. All I saw was that she was thinner and, in my mind, thinner is better. Really, thinner is just thinner.

A woman of appetite, no delicate flower, I'm strong, healthy and here to stay. Damn grateful for it, too.

Ferguson

What happens to a dream deferred?

Does it dry up

like a raisin in the sun?

Or fester like a sore-- 

And then run? 

Does it stink like rotten meat? 

Or crust and sugar over-- 

like a syrupy sweet?

Maybe it just sags 

like a heavy load.

Or does it explode?

Langston Hughes

Synergy

The thing about making art is, you never know how it will turn out. You dream it, scheme it, plan it, write it, practice till your fingers bleed, rehearse with your collaborators for months. You get to the venue early, schlep gear, set up, sound check, obsess over every detail while trying to keep the mood light, making jokes to keep everybody's spirits up. You do every damn thing possible to bring it off, but until you're standing onstage watching people walking in the door, watching the event unfold in the moment, you really don't know what it's going to be.  That audience comes in out of the weather, they step out of their lives, and step into this alternate reality that you've created. But that reality doesn't exist until they experience it and react to it.  No matter how well prepared you are, every performance is a step off into the unknown.  You'd think that would be anathema to a control junkie like me, but I keep coming back for more.

Tonight was a very different kind of performance, something that I conceived and directed, my own creation.  I had an idea and brought it off. Was it flawed? Absolutely. Like the CD we just recorded and released, deeply flawed.  But, people had a really good time. They danced. They loved the tunes we wrote, those went over huge.  I  have three new collaborators and see some really interesting opportunities ahead.

The music feels authentic. It comes from the heart. It makes people smile and it makes them move. It really feels like a two way street. I don't want to preach at people, I seek synergy.  When the energy that's coming back from the audience rises to meet the energy I put out, it creates something that's greater than the sum of it's parts. The first law of thermodynamics is, energy cannot be created or destroyed, but I know that's not true because I've seen it happen. When the conditions are just right and the music's hot, 1 + 1 can equal 3.

It's 2:00 a.m., my feet hurt, I can't sleep. Too much loose energy.

Cleanse Day 28

Okay then; it was possible after all.

No meat, eggs, dairy products, refined sugar, wheat, rye, barley, corn, dried fruit, citrus or anything from a box for four weeks. No nightshades, soy or tree nuts for three weeks.  The one thing I cheated on was coconut water. I used a shot glass full in my smoothie every morning.

Today's breakfast smoothie: frozen strawberries, raspberries and blackberries, spinach and chard from the garden, a shot of coconut milk, a shot of water, protein powder, probiotics and antioxidants.  Throw it in the blender and it's lovely, not too sweet, very satisfying. Lunch was roasted vegetables, 1/2 cup of hummus, carrots and pumpkin seeds.  Snacks today were an apple and a few grapes. Some days its a few olives or sunflower seeds.

The real test today was dinner.  I had a hell of a day at work and didn't have any food in the house so I walked home, jumped in the car and ran to the store.  I could have stopped at the Co-op on my walk home, but it's expensive and I get tired of eating there every day. I didn't want to drive all the way out to my favorite, funky grocery store Shop N Kart, so I drove to Market of Choice, one of those "lifestyle markets" as Lowell calls it. High end and also expensive, but more of a full grocery store than the Co-op. They have a huge deli, a fancy bakery, an Asian hot bar with meatballs and Yakisoba noodles, crocks of cream soups, loaves of fresh bread, every thing I love and am trying not to eat. It's day 28, right? Why not indulge. But, none it was appealing enough to make me break the diet.  I walked out of the store with a head of broccoli, an onion and some Thai peanut sauce.  I picked some more spinach and chard, made some rice, stir fried it with the peanut sauce and sat down to the table to eat like a civilized human. Crazy, right?

I'll admit, I'm looking forward to meat. That's coming back into the diet for sure, along with an occasional egg. My goal is to drastically reduce wheat and dairy and to completely eliminate refined sugar. Although, I do plan to have a piece of pie at Thanksgiving; I mean, come on.

Can I have just one? We shall see.

I promise to quit writing about this now and return to your regularly scheduled programming.

Cleanse Day 19

There is a goddamed BEN AND JERRY'S truck in front of the food co-op handing out free ice cream samples.

God hates me; that's the only explanation.

I walked on by with my vegan chili and my pumpkin seeds.  I wasn't happy about it, but I managed to walk away.

Will I ever be in a place where I can eat a sample of Ben and Jerry's without wanting to eat an entire pint? Doubtful.  Here's what I know about my addictions to drinking and smoking: I can't have just one. I can't have just one drink at the bar or one cigarette at the party.  Within a week of "just one," I'm drinking/smoking daily to excess.

No self control, that's me.  The switch is on or off; there's no dialing down.

Cleanse Day 16

Only about half of the original group showed up for cleanse class last week.  They're dropping like flies, but I'm soldiering on. While I haven't done everything that's on the cleanse (no high colonics for this girl), I haven't done anything that's not on the cleanse.  It's kind of amazing.  No sugar, coffee, dairy, meat, eggs, tree nuts, wheat, rye, barley or nightshades for more than two weeks.  I feel good.  I'm eating plenty and regularly, so I'm not hungry. I've lost a few pounds but am not rapidly losing weight, so I feel healthy.  I'm walking every single day, plus jogging about 3 days per week.  I need to be more regular about strength training and aerobics, but one thing at a time. I sit down at the table to eat my cup of rice and load of veggies rather than eating in front of the computer. We have chard in the garden right now, which is lovely.  Chard, broccoli, onions and garlic with rice? Divine.

Cleanse, Day 14

Last weekend, Sequoia and I drove to Eugene and back in 24 hours so we could have breakfast with Arly on Saturday morning. It was a long drive and I wasn't quite as organized as I should have been. Instead of cheating on the cleanse by eating things I shouldn't, I cheated by not eating enough.  I had reached the point where I was supposed to drop the beans and legumes and just eat vegetables, fruit and the good fats. They advise you to take it very easy, but whaddaya gonna do?   I wanted to see my girl.  We had brunch at a lovely vegan restaurant (mushroom soup, big salad), I had pumpkin seeds and a couple of pears, it was a good day.

On Sunday, I cooked enough soup for the week and baked a small pumpkin and an acorn squash. The acorn squash didn't taste bad (although it wasn't particularly appetizing), but within 30 minutes, my stomach was turning. Within an hour I was sick as a dog.  I haven't thrown up since I stopped drinking 17 years ago. Acorn squash; who knew?  I was so sick, I actually took a sick day at work, a rare event.  When I finally came around on Monday, I ate some rice for ballast.  I added beans back in on Thursday.

Even though I got seriously sick, I didn't break the cleanse diet. It would have been easy to throw in the towel.  Even though I injured my back, I've managed to exercise every day in October except for Monday when I was sick.

As far as the other "modalities," they aren't as important to me.  This journey has been about facing food addictions and developing new habits. Permanent change is the goal.