The C Word

No, not the C word you're thinking of. What a dirty, dirty mind you have....

I’m in a good mood today because I found out that I don’t have cancer, which will positively cheer a girl up. Yeah, cancer. In December during my annual exam, my doctor felt a lump on my thyroid gland. “It’s probably nothing,” says she, “but I think you should see an endocrinologist.” So, off I toddle to Medford to meet the specialist, who feels up my neck. “It’s probably nothing,” says he, “but I think we should get an ultrasound just to make sure.” So off I toddle to the radiologist, who greases up my neck and takes an ultrasound. A few days and several rounds of phone tag later, I get a call from the nurse. “It’s probably nothing,” says she, “but it’s about 3 centimeters in diameter, so we want to do a biopsy.” Biopsy, says I? “Yes, to rule out malignancy.” Malignancy, says I? Cancer? That’s not a word you hear every day, or ever if you’re lucky.

I’m told that the needle biopsy process is much less traumatic than it used to be in the bad old days. They don’t even bother with a local anesthetic any more because the numbing shot is more painful than the biopsy itself. So they say. It may be easier than it used to be, but it still involves being stuck in the neck with a needle not once but four times. It’s no day at the beach.

After the biopsy, the wait for results began. They told me that there was less than a 5% chance of it being cancer, but it didn’t matter, I spent three days mentally making my will and rehearsing scenarios of how to tell the kids. I have a tendency towards self-dramatization (thus my profession), but for once, I kept the drama to myself. I didn’t want to say the C word out loud and draw the attention of the gods.

I got the call from the nurse while I was at work today. “Your results are negative. No malignancy. We’ll want to ultrasound it again in a year to see if it’s growing. If you have pain or unusual hoarseness, let us know, but otherwise, you should be fine. We’ll see you in a year.”

Just like that, I’m good to go. I have a non-malignant solid tumor on my thyroid. It may or may not grow. If it grows, it may or may not affect my vocal chords. But, it’s not malignant.

The C word will get your attention right quick, campers. The C word will make a girl stop and think.